-itis

yesterday i was julia de burgos. today i am just full on lost. in cadaver lab today i near faint because my heels are too damn high and my knees locked. i take my shoes off and rest my feet on the cold cement. sweet relief. somewhere between the brachioradialis and the common interosseous artery i glance down at my feet, resting like two small clean pillows on a bed of discarded scraps of muscle and fascia  and formaldehyde. i don't know how i have come to this. 

i leave lab running barefoot on the blistering fire that is california asphalt to my illegal parking spot and move my car in time for physical diagnosis lab. up to the hospital, still inappropriately boycotting my shoes, reading Paulo Coelho en route behind stupid so cal sunglasses, huge like satellites. natalie and i arrive at the same time. she is perfectly groomed and adorable. in my mind i tuck her under my arm and give her a kiss on the head because she is what medicine needs. little warm-hearted perfection with sassy attitude and brains. we are assigned to the same room with Dr. S., a big dutch woman with a lisp who is probably my favorite lab instructor and whose nail clippers i lost during the pulmonary lab. we are not 5 minutes into her demo when she realizes she needs a tuning fork, which is apparently right behind me but i am blind as samson. so she takes matters into her own big, capable dutch hands and lunges at the drawer behind me. alas my chair is pressed flush against the cupboard and she can't get the drawer open. good. a second chance and i'm quick enough to assess and react. i scoot my chair forward as she sticks her thumb into the drawer just as i fall back and induce the most visceral roar i have ever witnessed. i launch off my chair and onto the exam table in terror. she runs screaming out the door clutching her hand. i regain sense and tumble down off the crackly white paper to chase after her. doors are opening fast as flipping pages with doctors running to respond. someone had the sense to go for ice and in the end it was she that comforted me, even going so far as to tell me she loved me, which i am fairly certain was some bizarre slip that made me feel even more awkward and ridiculous. i don't think she is going to lose her nail like she screamed she would. this morning i learned about mee's nails, though. they're caused by a serious illness or severe emotional shock. we will see which of us ends up with the worse nail finding.

i looked in the drawer after class and its contents consisted entirely of speculums. i don't know what that means.