idée fixe...

it means obsession. i seem to have lost my capacity for the good kind. it's embarrassing... voila the melodrama: my soul, i sold it.

don't let me fool you. i more or less like what i do. it's interesting and mildly disgusting and artistic when its not too mathematical. i like knowing things like the reason behind eye color and i like that i have practical uses for words that spell check doesn't recognize, like osmolarious. no, actually i made that one up. i also really like cardiophys and brown-séquard syndrome, although i could take or leave the name of the protein that makes seminal fluid gel after leaving the male body. what really disgusts me about my chosen field is how it has flopped into my life like a manatee and displaced the magic parts of life. i remember when i used to search out piano recordings where you could hear the performer breathe. i used to paint. quite badly. but it was fun. and i carried a leather bound book around that i wrote all manner of lovely nonsense in. i used to dress like a gypsy. 

i don't want to erase contradictions or unify a dichotomy. i'm not going to quit med school again, be relieved. i just want some life back. 

"Getting back to the idée fixe, let me say that it's what produces strong men and madmen."  ~Joaquim Maria Machado de Assis